I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
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Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]