The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
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The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Ferrari squats
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?