I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
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ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge