why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
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Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
God has abandoned us.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.