Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
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Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
*lint rolls you awake*
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.