Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
You Might Also Like
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.