I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
You Might Also Like
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Body by cheese-puffs.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*