Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
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Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.