I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
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While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it