Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
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“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.