THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
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Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]