centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
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Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.