[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
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Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.