“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
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I’m crying im so happy for them
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.