“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
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My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell