yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
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Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Carpe DM
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.