If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
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I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.