[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
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I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.