Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
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Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
socratic questions
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad