A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
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Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy