I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
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If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.