I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
You Might Also Like
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
they finally got him. they got macavity
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth