[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
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The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.