Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
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I finally found a reason to live again.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like: