Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
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I self medicate, therefore you live.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
socratic questions
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?