dictator is short for richard potato
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The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Cats are still liquid.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.