Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
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I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…