A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
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ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Proctology is located in A55
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Scream sneezers need love too.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.