Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
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3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]