There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
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Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Bed should get ready for ME
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?