Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
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This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.