I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
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Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
dutch so unserious
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank