Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
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[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.