My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
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Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon