me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
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I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”