WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
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4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid