The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
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What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.