Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
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When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.