Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Morning my dudes.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”