Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
You Might Also Like
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Siri: Retweet me.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)