Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
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Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
How I like cutting carbs
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Super Hand Dog Face
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal