*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
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Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.