Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
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Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
This is my favorite one of these!
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.