[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
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Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
How to make infinite energy.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”