WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
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I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
My life in a nutshell
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.