My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
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I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
These are too funny not to post 😂
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
I thought this was funny lol
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company