Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
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My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut