I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
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If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*