<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
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Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
broke down and did it
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
somebody come look at this
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.