I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
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“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?